I'd Like To Share My Testimony...

Today at church was fast and testimony meeting. If I'd been able to extricate myself from the pew this is how it would've gone:
"I'd like to share my testimony that I know Smarties are the only way to go. When your husband is out of town and your children haven't figured out how to sit still for the hour we're in Sacrament Meeting, Smarties and maybe Lifesavers are the only way to keep them quiet so that the other members of the congregation can listen. I know that the banana flavored Lifesavers and the green Smarties are the yucky ones but anything blue or pink taste the best and, therefore, keep the kids occupied. I also have learned that once I start handing out sugar I can't stop and so I need to bring 4 rolls of Smarties and 3 rolls of Lifesavers to get 3 kids to make it through without killing each other or taking 5 gagillion trips to the bathroom. I know that Pat, who sits 4 rows behind us, watches us during the meeting when she's bored. (She told me so today.) She said that that will get her through the meeting - even though she doesn't have flavored sugar to suck on. I'm grateful for whoever invented processed sugar and that the Lord helped them to figure out the process. I'm also thankful to all of the wonderful people who donated said candy to my children on Halloween night so that I didn't have to spend money while turning my children into future diabetics. Amen."